Today I woke up and went to get a pack of cigarettes at the liquor store that is conveniently located next to my apartment. (You know you’ve moved to the right place when you live in between a gay bar and a liquor store.) I decided to walk, since it’s a nice sunny winter day, and as I was walking down the street I saw an older man with a mustache and a jacket with patches all over it. He looked like a weirdo and as I was about to pass him on the street I just knew he was going to pester me.

He did, of course. “Hi,” he said, grabbing my hand. “I’m Dean. I live down the street.” He kissed my hand and said, “Nice to meet you.” And then gave me a perverted wink and continued on while I stood there stunned.

I should have kicked him in the balls, but I was shocked. Are KIDDING me? I can’t even walk down the street at 2pm to get a pack of cigarettes without some perv…

It just makes me feel cheap. I said to my gay the other day on the phone, “You know, I feel like the the older I get, the more I get hit on.”

“No, no,” he said. “It’s just that the older you get, the more you notice it.”

Honestly, I don’t see anything that special when I look in the mirror, but then again, I am a girl. Maybe I am as pretty as everyone says I am.I’ve explained this before, but I wasn’t always. I used to be an awkward, scrawny highly medicated teenager with straggly hair.

I was invisible until I turned fifteen and my boobs tripled in size and my hair curled in ringlets. Suddenly I could not get a moment’s god damn peace. The thing is, I think people know me even less now then they did back then. When guys like that say to me, “I live down the street,” it’s fairly obvious what they’re suggesting. And it makes me feel bad about myself.

I became a dancer because of what one of my regulars, Fat Bob, said to me once. I was giving him a lap dance and I told him I was thinking about going to law school when I finish my undergraduate’s degree. “That’s why I’m here,” I told him. “Law school is expensive.” (I dance for other reasons, but don’t feel any particular need to explain or defend myself.)

“You’re the only girl here I don’t worry about,” he told me. “And even if you do become a lawyer one day and you’re wearing a pantsuit, men are still going to look at you as much as they do now, when you’re wearing almost nothing.”

Frankly, I’m a bad person and probably a bad feminist for accepting that fact. People are always looking at me, why not get paid for it?

But the thing is, when I’m in the club and I’m Summer or Daisy or Candy or whatever my stage name is that day, I can be anything you want me to be while I’m tricking you out of your money and pretending to love you. I’m a fantasy. I’m not real.

But when I’m out the club, I’m a real girl. I like watching anime, picking flowers, hiking, playing video games, driving in the car with my friends and writing scathing opinion columns.

And I don’t appreciate it when you walk up to me in the middle of the street and tell me where you live. I don’t care about where you live, man. You didn’t ask me a single thing about myself, not even my real name.

And it’s disrespectful.

I’m sorry, but I just can’t take Ron Paul seriously. Look at him!

Tee hee! He’s so silly looking.

I’m sure I’m not alone in noticing how boring this election season is so far.

My predictions for 2012:

Winner of the 2012 Presidential Election: Tamerlane

His Running Mate: John Smart

It’s time for new leadership, America. Look through Hillary’s opponents on Americans Elect. Note how many of them, most of whom are elected officials, have dead eyes. It’s time for real Americans like Tamerlane and John to step up.

Biggest Celebrity Death: Lindsay Lohan.

End of the world in 2012? I think not. The whole Mayan calender thing is a crock of shit. The mayan calender restarts when it ends after several mellenia. People in America just launch themselves into self induced crisis after self induced crisis and we wonder why we’re “declining.” *eyeroll* All empires fall. Accept it. How many times have we had to suffer through mass hysteria about the end of the world when nothing happens? Nothing happened during Y2K, nothing happened on May 21st. The world is not ending in 2012, dipshits.

However, some people believe that big things, maybe even good things, will happen that will raise our global collective consciousness. I don’t know if that’s true either and 2012 won’t be a year like any other, but it least it sounds less depressing than the world ending.

Either way, 2012 will be a good year. Ginger Cat for President!

Christmas is bull shit. Jesus wasn’t even born on December 25th. He was born in f*cking March. Just another Holiday the Roman Catholic Church stole from us Pagans and turned into payday… for them. It’s all commercialism and consumerism. All bull shit and bills, bills, bills.

But then I found a santa hat for my kee kee moa moa at the dollar store. I put it on her and suddenly we were dancing around to Christmas music on Pandora radio. She made a byootifewl kitteh santa and suddenly I felt the Christmas spirit again!

And then I realized… Christmas isn’t about giving or taking or Jesus or Santa. I looked into Isis’s furry face and figured it all out.

Christmas is about shopping.

Happy Holidays!

A friend of mine told me last night, “Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.” If you hear someone saying Muslims are prone to violence, don’t believe it. If you see a Muslim who walks and talks and bleeds just like you, believe it. Stop the hate.

Prelude: Our Hearts go out to Norway.

Word on the street is that Bernie Sanders thinks someone should primary Obama.

SANDERS: Brian, believe me, I wish I had the answer to your question. Let me just suggest this. I think there are millions of Americans who are deeply disappointed in the president, who believe that with regard to Social Security and other things, he said one thing as a candidate and is doing something very much else as a president. Who cannot believe how weak he has been for whatever reason in negotiating with Republicans, and there’s deep disappointment. So my suggestion is, I think one of the reasons the president has made the move so far to the right is that there is no primary opposition to him and I think it would do this country a good deal of service if people started thinking about candidates out there to begin contrasting a progressive agenda as opposed to what Obama believes he’s doing. [...] So I would say to Ryan, discouragement is not an option. I think it would be a good idea if President Obama faced some primary opposition.

No shit, Sherlock. Someone should primary Obama? What a novel idea. Why don’t you do it, Bernie? Why not get some balls?

Bust this shit, readers. I had my first job when I was sixteen. I was a cashier at burger king. I still remember that first paycheck. Oh, the sweet smell of hard earned money. I relished opening that check. And of course when I did, I saw that some of my earnings were deducted for social security and other taxes. Some of my coworkers bitched about it, but I didn’t mind. At sixteen I knew that if I didn’t make bank later in life I was paying into a system that would benefit me for my contribution to society. I was raised on work ethic and honesty, like most Americans. Only unlike most Americans, I took it serioiusly.

I work hard, readers. I bust my ass. I’m a certified hustler, and I have paid for everything I own, from the clothes on my back to the nail polish on my toes to the ghetto ass car I drive. Don’t try to tell me I’m a spoiled millennial, because I’ll kick your ass from here to Canada.

Yeah, Obama should face some primary opposition. In fact, WHY IS HE NOT FACING A PRIMARY CHALLENGE RIGHT NOW? WHAT DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENT CUTS SOCIAL SECURITY, MEDICAID AND MEDICARE AND DOES NOT FACE A PRIMARY CHALLENGE?

Jesus Christ. If I were old enough, I would primary him. And don’t give me that shit. Talkin’ bout “B-b-b-but, there’s no way, Little Isis! That can’t happen! It would weaken the party! Bachmann would win! We’ll all DIIIIIIEEEEEE!”

F*ck that noise. If Bachmann runs and wins against Obama, know what imma do? Laugh. I will laugh and laugh. And then I will f*cking point at your stupid asses and laugh some more.

What makes you think I give a shit about how a primary challenge to Obama might affect the Democratic Party and its chances for 2012? What has the Democratic Party done for ME lately, other than take away my benefits, cut my financial aid and do everything humanly possible to not give a shit about the future of my generation and by extension this country?

Oh. Primary Opposition to Obama would weaken him for 2012? Let me just pretend for a second that I care…

wait for it….

waaaaiiiiit….

Nope, still don’t give a shit. I don’t care who replaces him. Me and every other American pays for his food, his house, his jet and his butlers. And his ass is canned.