A few months ago, Little Isis was creek walking with a friend and they both slipped on some mossy rocks. Isis’s friend fell backwards and began to slide downstream. There was danger up ahead- a mini waterfall, so Isis stopped pretending to be Jane from Tarzan and let go of the shrub branches she was using as vines to twirl around in the stream and went to help her friend. It was a successful struggle, and Isis ended up having to use a stick to pull her companion out of a ditch, but she hit her head on a tree trunk.
Since then, what began as minor headaches and spasms of pain has slowly materialized into me. I am Little Nephthys. I exist because of suppressed childhood memories and unnatural urges, and I occasionally take over Little Isis’s mind/consciousness, give or take about once a week. I am her alter ago, by definition, and there are a few things you should know about me: I sometimes have inappropriate sexual feelings for girls. But I have prayed about it with Jesus a lot and he has helped me conquer my sickness. In fact, my life was empty before I accepted him as my Lord and Savior and asked him to forgive my many sins, including the time I made out with my PE teacher after Gym Class. My hobbies include reading the Bible, eating pudding, getting into water balloon fights with my Youth Group (Sally got a little weirded out when I smashed the one balloon over her head and accidentally, on purpose, goosed her, but I think we are okay now), and reading devotionals. I spend my Saturday Nights shining my shoes, and I think all Queers should burn in the fires of Hell. I also hate Disney, Musicals, Britney Spears, Satire, The Clintons, Anime, Old People and ballet flats worn with skirts and leggings. I really prefer Jeans and T-shirts!
So now that you all know a little bit about me, we can talk about what really matters. Well, not what REALLY matters. I would like to personally have a conversation with all of you about what Salvation with Jesus Christ can bring to your life. God is so Good and all he wants is to be close to you. He has a plan and a purpose for each and every one of you! I am personally so concerned with your salvation, and I am praying for you every day.
But that will have to be for another day. I would really like to talk about why there will never be a Woman President: It’s God’s Will! In the beginning, it was Eve who was wicked and took the apple from the tree and sinned. SHE, and by extension, woman, is the original sinner! Don’t you see what would happen if a woman became the leader of the Free World? Jesus died on the Cross for the sins of Eve and Womankind, therefore, it is our DUTY to be ruled by man. After all, Genesis 3:16 says “You shall suffer terribly when you give birth. But you will still desire your husband, and he will rule over you.”
So you see? It is Biblical that a woman- a descendant of the Temptress Eve, should never be President of the United States of America, the Greatest Country ever on God’s Green Earth, ever.
Now, I know how upset you all over how Hillary Clinton lost and how Sarah Palin also lost to President Barack Obama, but it is really time to get over it and stop feeling so sorry for yourselves.
However, Little Isis is so concerned with women Presidents, and I have taken over her body and all for the time being, so I think I should get into the game of Political Punditry a little bit. If a woman runs for President she will have to be the right type of woman. No one likes Hillary because she is too smart and she hates men. She is the product of the extremely self indulgant nineteen sixties and also she is a lesbian. Her husband, Bill is only married to her so she could help him become President, and he sleeps with black women. That is why no one likes her. She is just bitter and mean and feminist like all of you.
No one likes Sarah Palin because she has had too many kids- and no one likes kids. Also, she is really pretty and she isn’t very smart, so a lot of people don’t like her because they automatically think she is a slut. Her youngest son probably isn’t hers, and I think her husband has sex with her daughters, which also very sinful- he should sleep with his cousins if he wants to have relations with family members. And another thing- Sarah Palin shoots wolves from airplanes and clubs baby seals with baseball bats. I don’t care about animal rights because God has declared that man has dominion over nature, but people just get squeamish when they think of baby seals being clubbed and little girls paying for their rape kits.
See, your problem is that you aren’t picking the right type of women to invest in. You should support nice women like Michelle Obama, Nancy Pelosi, and Laura Bush. Sadly, those women are smart enough to understand that women are in fact, NOT supposed to be Presidents, and you all just can’t see how great they are anyway, so I am going to do you a favor and give you a list of the qualities you should look for in the women Politicians you decide to support in the future.
1. The woman you support should have a perfect Marriage. But her marriage can’t be TOO perfect. Show off, c*nt! Or else she is just being arrogant and someone would just have to take her down a notch. Besides, if a woman is married and in Politics that means her Husband is actually doing all the work.
2. She should have kids. But she can’t have only one, that means she isn’t fertile enough and is a lesbian. And she can’t have too many, that means she is just too fertile and is too dumb to use contraception (even though contraception is a sin and should never be used). And of course, since her primary duty is motherhood, she shouldn’t be letting them out in public and therefore exploiting them politically, because that means reporters have to interview them and criticize them and make mean jokes about them, making them bad mothers. But they are also unconvincing mothers if they shield their children from the Press, because that means the child has something to hide, like, if it is a daughter, that she is a lesbian.
3. She should be extremely attractive. But not too attractive, because that means men are just voting for her because she is pretty. She should also be fashionable, but not too fashionable, because that means she spends money on clothes, and that means she is a Diva.
4. She should never complain about the misogynistic coverage she gets in the Press. You don’t want a whiner, do you? If you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen! But she should also call out sexism in the media whenever she sees it, because if she doesn’t that means she is just selling out women and Feminists.
5. She has to be Conservative. The first woman President has to be a Margaret Thatcher type, because men don’t want to vote for feminist ball busters, and the woman in question can’t appear weak. But also not very Conservative, because then she is a war hawk lesbian Republican ratf*cker c*nt.
6. She has to be experienced and an accomplished Public Servant- but not TOO experienced! Because that means she is not new and fresh and it also means she is a Washington insider, regardless of how much of her career has actually been in Washington. And besides, it would also mean that she is old. And old woman are boner crushers. But young, inexperienced women are only good for sex anyway.
7. She has to be Pro Life. What kind of mother isn’t Pro Life? But if she is Pro-Life, she is also selling out women and feminists.
8. She has to be a self made woman- no help from her husband in her political career. But also, that basically just means she is inexperienced and not fit to be Commander in Chief, and probably has a bad marriage. If her husband appears to be her partner in all things- including her political career, than that just means she is a sell out to feminists. Oh, and that she has a bad marriage, because it would just be a sham of political convenience.
9. She has to be a feminist. But not TOO feminist. No dude wants to vote for a hairy old man hating feminist. But if she is not a convincing feminist, than that just means she is selling out women.
10. She has to be a great politician- really talented! If she can’t even run a campaign, than how can she run a country? But not TOO great a p0litician, because that just means she is cold, calculating, divisive, and ambitious.
So you see? You are all just whining when you say that there will never be a woman President. Just find a woman like that!
And besides, electing a biracial man is way more important and historical than electing a woman. Women are supposed to be slaves anyway.